Drag
by ladyaymie
Summary: Akatsuki receives a new mission, the likes of which they've never seen before... CrackFic. Visit profile for link to illustration.


**A/N: Sorry for the length- it was supposed to be 2 chapters, but I just couldn't decide where to split it, so I figured I'd just put it all up. Also, I put Sasori and Deidara as the main characters, because SasoxDei is the only implied pairing in here, but Hidan is equally important in this story. :D **

**Warning: OOCness, crack, and AU (Storyline is altered from the one in the manga/anime). **

**Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, the Akatsuki would be more like this. Oh, and also, this fic is a parody of Crimson1's FFVIII fic "Mission Kinky". **

Hidan shut the door behind him as he walked into the dimly lit room. Apparently, he was late, again, since everyone else was already gathered in the middle of the room.

"Hidan, you're late." Leader-sama a.k.a. Pein, said in his gravelly voice.

"I know. Like, seriously, you people have got to stop stating the obvious." The white-haired Jashin-worshipper said, rolling his eyes.

Pein wisely chose to ignore him and said,

"I called you all here today to give you your next mission."

"All of us?" Kisame asked immediately.

"But we still haven't captured all the jinchuuriki yet, and Sasori-danna and I just got back from another mission, un!" Deidara whined.

"Quiet, brat. Stop whining." Sasori commanded from inside Hiruko.

"This is extremely important, so listen carefully." The Akatsuki members scooted up closer to Pein. "Now, as you probably know, about a month ago, a popular new strip club opened near here. And Zetsu," Pein indicated to the plant man, who waved uncharacteristically. "has just found out that it's run by Orochimaru and his subordinates."

"Zetsu goes to strip clubs?" Kisame asked, wide-eyed.

"Sasuke _runs_ a strip club?" Itachi asked in his monotonous voice.

"We're not sure of that yet. That's why we need all of you to go and investigate." Pein replied, amid gasps of shock.

Kakuzu raised his hand. "Question. How much will it cost for all of us to be admitted to this high-end club?"

"There's no need to worry about that. You'll be going undercover." Pein said.

"I don't get it. So what if Orochimaru owns a fucking strip club? We all know he's perverted like that, right?" Hidan asked.

"If you haven't noticed, Orochimaru has been our enemy as of the day he left us. We won't waste an opportunity like this to get rid of him." Sasori said.

"And Zetsu also found out that the Kyuubi and his Konoha buddies are heading that way to try and get Itachi's brother back." Pein grinned, revealing freakishly sharp teeth. "This will be the _perfect _opportunity for us to destroy our enemies conveniently and capture the Kyuubi, all at once!"

"OHHHH!" Deidara, Hidan, and Tobi exclaimed in sudden realization, nodding their heads. Everyone else just rolled their eyes, looking a bit ashamed to have such slow and easily-excited teammates.

"Now, let me describe the details of the mission to you. You will all be going undercover. Zetsu, Kisame, and Kakuzu, you three will be customers at the club."

"And me! I'm coming, too!" Konan butted in enthusiastically, grinning widely.

"You?" Pein looked curious. "Are you sure?"

"Of course! There's no way I'd miss this!" The blue-haired kunoichi replied, still grinning.

The other members looked slightly scared. Who in their right mind would want to go to a strip club run by Orochimaru? And Konan was a woman! What enjoyment would she get from watching strippers at a club that catered to men?

"All right then. Konan, Kisame, Kakuzu, and Zetsu. As for you five…" Pein turned rapidly and faced the remaining five Akatsuki members.

Sasori's eyes widened in horror as everything clicked into place in his brain.

"Oh no. No, no, no! I am _not _doing this!"

Deidara looked at him quizzically. "Danna, what don't you want to do?"

"You five," Pein repeated, grinning again. "are going to be _STRIPPERS_!"

"AHHHHHHHH!!!" Tobi screamed in a super high-pitched voice, as Sasori began banging his head on the stone wall. "No! It cannot be! Tobi is a _good boy_!"

"And as long as Tobi follows all the customers' "orders", he will still be a good boy! Right?" Konan said, hugging poor Tobi.

"What the fuck?!" Hidan yelled, the information having finally sunk in. "Why do we have to be strippers? Make Konan and Deidara do it! They're the fucking female ones!"

Deidara wheeled around, flames leaping in his eyes. "ARRRRGGHHHH!!! WOULD YOU STOP WITH THE FEMALE JOKES ALREADY, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE?!"

"Hidan, shut up. Deidara, calm down." Pein said tranquilly. "There's a piece of information I forgot to give you, so pay attention! In addition to being a strip club, this place specializes in _drag_ performances, meaning Konan can't be a performer."

It was Hidan's turn to scream loudly and panic. Kakuzu managed to shut him up by running him through with his own scythe.

Sasori let out a squeak, and passed out on the cold stone floor with a loud thunk. Deidara rushed to revive him.

Kisame turned to Itachi. "You know, I always knew there was something queer about that brother of yours. Something about those clothes and that hair just _screamed _drag." He said without blinking an eye.

Itachi stared back at him without saying a word.

Pein sighed loudly, ignoring the screams and laughter of his unworthy subordinates.

"Remember, you'll all be setting out first thing tomorrow morning. The club's not that far from us, compared to everything else, but it's still a good ten miles away. Deidara, Hidan, Sasori, Itachi, Tobi, don't forget to disguise yourselves for the application and interview process! Dismissed!"

Pein flickered out of view, leaving the rest of the Akatsuki to bemoan their fates. Or laugh at their teammates' fates. Either one…

……..

The next morning, the nine Akatsuki members arrived at the entrance to the club. Zetsu and Kakuzu went in through the main entrance, followed by a grinning and waving Kisame and Konan.

"Good luck, girls!" Konan beamed, blowing a kiss at the unfortunate remaining members, then disappearing through the door.

"That bitch! I'll sacrifice her to Jashin-sama! And then I'll go get Pein and sacrifice _him_, too!" Hidan said in a loud voice, cracking his knuckles (he'd been forced to leave his scythe behind at the lair, because everyone felt it was too out-of-place).

"Shut up, Hidan. Let's just get this over with." Sasori said, walking towards the back entrance, which was for employees. The puppeteer had already resigned himself to his fate late last night, and was now back to his usual bored, impatient self.

"What do you need today, boys?" Kabuto's drawling, arrogant voice rang out. The sound-nin was sitting with his feet propped up on a huge oak desk, leaning far back in his swivel-chair.

"We'd like to apply for jobs here." Sasori said.

"Oh good. We were in need of new talent. And my, aren't you a pretty bunch." Kabuto said, examining each one of them.

The only one that was in disguise was Itachi, who had put green contact lenses in and was wearing a brown wig.

Sasori had figured that since he'd been inside Hiruko all those times Orochimaru and Kabuto had been around, he didn't need to disguise himself. The other three hadn't joined until after Orochimaru left, so they had nothing to worry about, though Deidara had let down his hair just in case.

"Tell you what. I'm not doing anything at the moment, so I'll interview you right now. So, what are your names?" Kabuto asked, leaning back in his chair and clasping his hands behind the back of his head.

"Sora." Sasori said immediately.

"Ida." Hidan said tentatively.

"Tasha." Itachi said monotonously.

"Tina?" Tobi squeaked.

"And Dara, yeah!" Deidara said, giggling loudly and girlishly for emphasis. The other three (Itachi acted like he didn't hear) flashed him looks of utter horror.

"Wow, those names are very similar. You guys sound like some pop girl group or something." Kabuto said, scooting forward in his chair.

"That's 'cause we're sisTAHS, yeah!" Deidara giggled again. "Not by blood, of course." He added hurriedly, in a deeper voice.

"Uh huh… okay, so why do you guys want to work here?"

"I heard the environment here was really nice, and we could get a lot of experience." Again, Sasori was the first to reply.

"We need the money. I heard the pay's great." Hidan said, thinking of Kakuzu and his money obsession.

"And we've always dreamed of working in a place like this, yeah! I mean, we've been called "pretty boys" and "dolls" and "ladies" all our lives, so we thought, why not, yeah?" Deidara finished, tossing his hair.

"Ohhh, interesting. All right, you're perfect! You guys even act like girls! And what's best, you already have drag names picked out!"

"Drag… names?" Hidan questioned, his eye twitching.

"Yeah! Usually, we have to help our applicants pick out drag names! They're supposed to be formed from the name of your first pet, you know?" Kabuto said cheerily. "Now, head through that door and they'll give you your costumes for tonight! Good luck!"

As they walked through the door, Sasori breathed out a sigh of relief. "Thank Kami-sama we gave him our "drag" names early on."

"Why, un?" Deidara asked.

" 'Cause my first pet was a scorpion named Lulu." Silence…

………..

Kakuzu was the first through the door. He walked up to the bubble-gum chewing, redheaded girl whose nametag read "Tayuya" that was supposed to be the club security, and handed her their cards.

"Go in." She nodded, blowing a huge bubble, and handed the cards back to him. She didn't seem troubled at all by their odd appearances, though when Konan passed her, she let out a whistle.

"Whoa, you're _good_!"

Konan gave her a puzzled look. "Huh?"

"That's fucking _amazing_! For a second there, I actually thought you were a woman!"

"Why you little-!"

Kakuzu hurriedly dragged the pissed off kunoichi away from the still gum-snapping Tayuya before she could cause a scene and blow their cover. Zetsu and Kisame were walking a bit ahead of them, snickering at Konan's humiliation.

The four of them sat down at a table right next to the stage, and Konan instantly forgot that she had just been insulted, however unintentional it may have been.

"This is marvelous! From up here, we can watch the boys' performance clearly!" She said, picking up her menu (which consisted of nothing but drinks).

"Yeah, just marvelous…" Kisame said, burying his face in his own menu.

………..

"All right, boys! Let's get you dressed up for your performance!" An overeager boy jumped up at the trembling (though not visibly) Akatsuki members, stretching his measuring tape out in front of Hidan. His name-tag read "Sakon".

His partner was another boy, with a nametag that read "Ukon". He approached Deidara with his measuring tape.

"Let's start with you." Sakon said, taking Hidan's measurements. "You seem like a very religious man, Ida." He squinted to read Hidan's name-badge.

"Seriously, man. I worship Jashin-sama. Do _you _worship him?"

"Nope. But I do know what you're going to be wearing tonight." Sakon beamed at him in a very creepy manner. "Ukon, you agree with me?"

Ukon looked up from where he had been measuring Deidara, and grinned. "A nun."

"A sinful nun." Sakon nodded eagerly.

Hidan's mouth dropped open. "WHAT? That's fucking blasphemy, you fucking retards!"

"Not exactly, Hidan, un." Deidara said. "There aren't any nuns in Jashinism, un."

"Shut the fuck up! What do you know about my religion, anyways?"

"I think you'd look very nice as a… sexy cop." Ukon said to Deidara, snapping his tape measure shut.

"You can trade with me if you'd like, un." Deidara said, smiling.

"Hell no! I'd rather be a nun any day! At least I'll be covered up! I'm not going to have you heathens giving religion a bad name!" Hidan went on and on and the others just ignored him.

Itachi was measured by both twins.

"You are _devilishly _handsome." Sakon said, running his fingers through Itachi's wig.

"Bad-ass, I'd say." Ukon nodded in agreement.

"Does that mean I get to wear leather?" Itachi spoke up for the first time.

"We'll see about that…"

Then Sakon got to Sasori, who had been leaning against the dresser, waiting for his turn.

"Oh my god, you are a _doll_." He said, whipping out his tape measure again, while Sasori pointed to himself questioningly. "Yes, you. Oh, _baby_, I got the perfect costume for you!"

Ukon was measuring Tobi, who told him, while nodding profusely,

"Tob- er- Tina is a good boy- no, girl!"

"Yes, yes, Tina _is_, and Ukon knows what he should wear tonight…"

……….

"_What _could be taking so long?" Konan wondered, stirring her drink.

"Well, we did get here early." Kisame said.

"We had to. Drinks increase in price after 5 o' clock." Kakuzu said nonchalantly, doing some calculations on a piece of paper.

"Cheap-ass." Konan muttered under her breath.

"What was that?"

"Eh, nothing. Zetsu, I've been thinking. Why do we have to go undercover? If we want to get rid of Orochimaru, can't we just tell Deidara to fly overhead and bomb the place?" The kunoichi quickly changed the subject.

"If it were that easy, we'd have done it long ago. Somehow, Orochimaru always manages to escape our grasp. _**Treacherous snake. **_Our main objective tonight is actually to capture the Kyuubi. _**Killing everyone else is just an added bonus. Kekekeke…" **_

"Okay…" Konan nodded, scooting a bit further away from the plant-man, who was now rubbing his hands together and cackling gleefully to himself.

"My question still hasn't really been answered, though. If we wanted to capture the Kyuubi, we could've just waited there until he showed up and ambushed him, right? It's much more convenient." She asked again after a few seconds.

"And cheaper, too." Kakuzu said, before going back to his calculations.

"My dear Konan, we don't want to be causing a scene right in front of a nightclub like this and allowing the Kyuubi to get away. The club itself is the perfect setting for a quieter ambush." Kisame answered, grinning widely and swirling his glass.

"Ohhh… you mean, the Kyuubi and his friends will probably arrive in disguise, so from our positions in the club, we'll be able to notice and make quick work of them? And we can get around easier since Sasori and the others have access to the backstage area, right?"

"_**Yes… it's funnier, too." **_Zetsu started laughing and causing a few people at the other tables to stare.

"Funnier?" Konan said, then thought better of it. "You know what? I'm just going to stop asking questions for a while."

"Yeah, you do that." Kisame said, emptying his glass in one gulp.

………

"AHHHHHH!!!!! What the fuck is this?!" Hidan screamed, holding the piece of fabric that was supposed to be his costume as far away from him as he could. "It's sacrilegious!"

The costume was supposed to be a nun's outfit, but it had been reduced to the length of a micro-mini-skirt, and the chest was cut so low it would have been utterly unrecognizable if it weren't for the hood and familiar colors.

The Jashin-worshipper would have kept on screaming curses if Deidara hadn't walked out of the changing room at that second, already wearing his cop outfit.

"You haven't changed yet, un?" He asked, pulling something shiny and feathery out of his back pocket (Hidan wasn't sure how they could even fit a pocket on that thing- it barely covered the blonde's buttocks). "Look, un! Hand-cuffs!"

The white-haired man shuddered, not only at the hideous hand-cuffs, but at how the outfit made Deidara look so much like a slutty woman, it was disgusting. The blonde even had his hair clipped up in a loose bun at the top of his head, and was wearing bright red lipstick to boot.

Someone cleared his throat from behind them, and the two of them turned around to see Itachi- wearing a glittery red tube top, glittery red knee-high boots, and little sparkly red horns in his black hair (He had found it safe to remove the wig and contacts now that he was "in drag"). When he passed them to look at himself in the mirror, they saw that his dress came complete with a pointy tail, and he was holding what looked like a red pitchfork.

"Wow, Itachi, you're a little devil." Deidara said, appearing behind the Uchiha in the floor-length mirror.

"Hehe, just stating the obvious." He sweatdropped, backing off when he saw Itachi glare at his reflection in the mirror.

The changing room door opened and closed, and they could hear the sound of high-heels clip-clopping on the floor.

"Damn, this _itches_." Sasori had appeared, scratching and tugging at his tiny dress, a shiny plastic purse with a purple star on it slung over one shoulder.

Deidara's mouth dropped open. "Danna?"

He approached the redhead (who had gotten extensions over the past half hour, courtesy of the twins) and threw his arms around him. "Oh my god, danna, you're so _pretty_!"

"Ahhhh!!! Get off me! Do you know what this thing is _made_ of?" Sasori waved his arms frantically to try to get his partner off him.

When Deidara let go, Sasori began tugging at his tiny dress again, trying (and failing) to get the fabric as far away from his skin as possible. Itachi turned away from the mirror and looked Sasori up and down.

"You look like Courtney." He said, his tone never faltering even once.

"Who the hell is that?" Sasori asked, loosening the fabric around his neck with what sounded like a huge tearing noise.

"Barbie's friend. The redhead." The three Akatsuki stared blankly at Itachi as he walked calmly (and very expertly, hips swaying and heels clicking on the tiles) into the bathroom.

Sasori scoffed. "Apparently, they gave me her _clothes_, too." All of a sudden, he ripped his dress open, baring his chest to the room.

"AHHH, Danna! You ripped it!" Deidara rushed to Sasori, checking the dress, which seemed to have been ripped all the way down the side (you know, like those Barbie dresses that you fold over once you've got the arms through the sleeves?).

"Relax. It's just Velcro." Sasori said, folding the dress back onto the white Velcro part and running his hand down along his side to crease it firmly into place.

"I wish they'd at least given me better material, though. This is the same stuff those dolls' clothes are made of- they don't even bunch up once they're taken off! They just stay there in their original shape, all stiff-like!"

Hidan burst out laughing. "Suddenly, this nun outfit's fabric doesn't seem so bad anymore. I'm going to go change. See ya." He walked into the changing room, slamming the door loudly after him. A second later, they could hear him laughing wildly from the other side of the door.

Then the door swung open again, and out came Tobi (being tall, his head and mask were visible over the little wall that partly covered the entrance to the bathroom). It wasn't until he turned the corner that Sasori and Deidara saw what he was wearing.

The swirly-faced boy was dressed like a schoolgirl, with a low-cut, collared white blouse, a plaid ribbon on his chest, and a super-short plaid skirt, along with plaid heels and white leg-warmers (All in all, it was way too inappropriate for school).

Deidara smirked, slapping his feathery handcuffs against the palm of one hand.

"Oh, Tobi, you are a _very _naughty boy."

Tobi shook his head rapidly. "N-no! Tobi is a good boy!"

"Senpai will have to punish you, _un_."

The clay artist approached the shaking, obviously very freaked-out Tobi, his hand-mouths latching onto the handcuffs (even through the white gloves he was wearing) and holding them out in front of him, while Deidara lifted his eyebrows suggestively and licked his red lips.

_WHACK! _

Sasori had swung his plastic purse with the purple star at Deidara's head, and the blonde fell forward onto the ground with a resounding crash as Tobi ran away screaming into the bathroom.

"Danna, un! What was that for?" He said resentfully, rubbing his face with one gloved hand.

"You're getting _way_ too into this drag thing, Deidara. Stop picking on Tobi." Sasori said coldly, slinging the purse back over his shoulder.

His partner looked surprised, then _triumphant_, easing himself off the floor and bringing his red lips dangerously close to Sasori's face, whispering,

"Are you jealous of the attention I'm giving him… _danna_?"

As he spoke the last word, his lips brushed against Sasori's ear, causing the redhead's eyes to open wide, as he turned hesitantly towards Deidara, who was smirking again.

"I'm BAAAACK, boys!"

The changing room door slammed open for the final, and loudest, time, and Hidan strolled into the room in his nun's outfit, complete with a string of prayer beads (though those were his Jashinist beads), the hood pulled over his hair.

"Took you long enough." Sasori said, recovering instantaneously from his awkward moment with Deidara. "Deidara, go get Tobi and Itachi. We're going to do a little exploring backstage."

………

"That's strange." Kisame said, breaking the long, _loooong _silence that had descended upon the table ever since Konan had decided to stop talking.

"What's strange?" Kakuzu asked. He had been staring at the stage, having finished his calculations about an hour ago.

"The Kyuubi boy and those other Konoha-nin ought to have been here two hours ago."

"Patience, Kisame." Zetsu said. "The show is about to begin."

Konan perked up. "Really? Are they almost here, then?"

"_**The show, woman." **_Zetsu pointed towards the stage, where a tall boy with white hair and a red dot on his forehead that was visible even from this distance had appeared, holding a microphone.

"Good evening, ladies." He said, looking out on the audience, most of whom, now that the Akatsuki members looked, were dressed in drag. "I am your host, Kimimaro. Tonight, we have a special treat for you. Orochimaru and company have hired five new performers for your viewing pleasure! Ladies, please give a warm welcome to Sora, Ida, Tasha, Tina, aaaand Dara!" He disappeared from view, as five "women" in heels walked out onto the stage, to wild applause and cheers from the crowd.

"Oh my god, is that-?" Konan couldn't continue, for she had burst out laughing at the sight of Sasori looking like her old Courtney doll, only in more revealing clothing than she had remembered Courtney ever wearing. Kisame choked on his drink after seeing Itachi's devil outfit, and had to be thumped on the back by Kakuzu, who was frowning disapprovingly at his own partner's disturbing choice of attire. Zetsu was making some strange wheezing noises that the rest of them chose to ignore…

……….

"I can't believe it! That was a complete waste of time! Orochimaru and Sasuke weren't even back there!" Sasori dropped into a chair back in the changing room, fanning himself.

"And we had to deal with that fat guy Jiroubou and his creepy friend Kidoumaru or whatever. I swear they wouldn't stop staring at me, un." Deidara looked revolted at the thought.

"You know, I have the strangest feeling the leader's fucking with us." Hidan said thoughtfully.

Sasori, Itachi, Deidara, and even Tobi's eyebrows rose alarmingly.

"Not _that _kind of fucking, morons. I meant it seems as if he knew all along we wouldn't find any information, and he just wanted us to waste our time and humiliate ourselves on-stage."

"Leader-sama wouldn't do that, Hidan!" Tobi exclaimed.

"Think what you will." Hidan shrugged.

"I agree with Hidan. This is very suspicious. We haven't even run into my brother." Itachi said.

"Now that you mention it…" Sasori said, chewing thoughtfully on his nail.

Kabuto stuck his head around the curtain. "Okay, boys! Show-time! Line up at the stairs, my pretties!"

"All right." Sasori said, getting out of his chair and walking over to where the stairs that led up to the stage were. The others followed him, lining up single-file. Tobi took one quick peek through the curtains, and immediately scooted off to the side, by himself, his knees shaking.

"What's wrong, un?" Deidara asked, frowning.

"Zetsu, Kisame, Kakuzu, and Konan are right there!"

"Un? And?"

"There's too many people!"

"Trust me, you'll forget all about it once they're stuffing money down your ass." Hidan said reassuringly.

"But- but- Tobi doesn't want to strip!"

"Don't worry. If we're lucky, the others will apprehend the Kyuubi as soon as we're onstage, and we'll run off." Sasori said.

"And now, ladies, please give a warm welcome to Sora, Ida, Tasha, Tina, aaaand Dara!"

"Jashin-sama, here goes nothing!" Hidan said, praying to himself as Sasori pushed the curtain aside and stepped out onto the stage to thunderous applause and wolf-whistles. The crowd continued to cheer and clap loudly as each Akatsuki member strode onto the stage (Deidara had to drag Tobi- the boy wouldn't stop turning around and trying to go back). The five of them stood there, in the glow of the spotlight, while the crowd cheered on, shouting,

"Strip!"

"Yeah, take it OFF!"

"Well? What the fuck do we do now?" Hidan asked.

Deidara shrugged, grinning. "Let's give them what they want."

He stepped forward and started shaking his hips suggestively, unbuttoning the top two buttons of his policewoman uniform as the music started up. The women (or people who looked like women) had gotten out of their chairs by now, and were crowding towards the stage, hands outstretched. Itachi stepped up and joined him at the front, gyrating and flashing his glittery red outfit everywhere. Before long, the others had all joined them (Tobi had been dragged to the edge of the stage by some "women" who had climbed on), and were surrounded by grabbing, squeezing, pinching, tugging hands.

"Jashin-sama, they took my coat!" Hidan said angrily, whacking at the "women" who had surrounded him with his prayer beads. He was now shirtless, wearing nothing but black boxers.

"It's all right, Hidan! You're surrounded by hot women, un!" Deidara seemed to be doing very well, and was not all unnerved by the pairs of hands grabbing at his collar and yanking him lower to stuff bills down his uniform.

"Deidara, you _do _realize that most of those "women" are actually men, right?" Sasori yelled from Deidara's other side, trying desperately to hold onto his dress. He screamed as he heard the Velcro being pulled apart down the sides.

Itachi was calmly keeping his fans at bay with his glittery red pitchfork, though they'd still managed to push his dress up and touch him in very… inappropriate places. Still, considering what the others were going through, he was probably the best off.

Tobi's fans had forced him onto the ground, and were pulling at the buttons on his blouse and tugging at his skirt.

"Take it off! Take it off!" One "woman" cried, unzipping his skirt.

Tobi spotted Konan at the table in the front row. "Konan! SAVE TOBI!" He screamed.

Konan rushed up to the stage and shoved the other woman aside. "I'll help you with that!" She said, yanking the zipper down the rest of the way and succeeding in tugging the entire skirt off Tobi's body.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! KONAN!!!!!!!" Tobi snatched the skirt back from his teammate, backing away from her.

"Eh, sorry, Tobi. Couldn't help myself. Well, I'll just leave you alone now, 'kay?" Konan chuckled nervously and disappeared back into the crowd.

"Hey, guys, I think we ought to be retreating about now." Sasori said ten minutes later. He was now crawling to get away from all his fans, who had already taken his dress and were now trying to remove his purple underwear from him. He was forced to fend them off with the starry plastic purse.

"Yeah. _Fuck_." Hidan swore as his boxers dropped down around his legs, rushing to pull them back up again.

"I think Tobi's lost it, un!" Deidara's uniform was completely unbuttoned, revealing a matching _bra _and panties inside. Sasori tried to avert his eyes, feeling flushed and awkward, and glanced at Tobi instead.

The boy had managed to get away from his fans, but was now rocking back and forth on the stage, his knees drawn up to his chest, saying over and over again,

"Good boy. Good boy. Tobi is a good boy."

"What's taking those fucking idiots so long?" Hidan said, scanning the tables for their Akatsuki team members.

Suddenly, there was a fizzling, popping sound, and all the lights and music shut off.

"What's going on, un?" Deidara's voice rang out amid all the frantic screams as the customers fled the club, trampling over each other to escape.

When the screams had trailed off into the distance, there was a blinding flash, and the giant battery-powered spotlight focused down on the five partially naked Akatsuki members.

"We've gotcha now." Kabuto's voice boomed out from the side of the stage, and the five of them turned in that direction as the pony-tailed boy appeared, followed by Kimimaro and Tayuya. "Hello there, Akatsuki members. So sorry we have to part this soon, but I've been given orders to finish you off after the performance."

"How the fuck did you find out who we were?" Hidan bellowed.

"What do you mean, "orders _after _the performance"? Did Orochimaru know we were going to perform here?" Sasori asked.

Kabuto pushed his glasses back into place and smirked at them.

"Well, Orochimaru kind of saw you discarding your cloaks in the forest this morning when he was leaving to meet the Kyuubi with Sasuke. Really, you guys have _got _to stop being so conspicuous."

"I told you we should have disguised ourselves before we left." Itachi said, still sounding gloomy and bored.

"Yes, indeed. And so he sent a message back to us here at the club. It didn't reach me until after I'd sent you on to get fitted for costumes, or else I would've done something about you guys beforehand. Orochimaru figured you guys were going to blow up the place, so imagine our surprise when we discovered that you were going undercover as _strippers _here in our club! Of course, we both thought it was incredibly amusing, and Orochimaru reminded me not to dispose of you all until _after _we'd videotaped your show. It was too good of an opportunity to pass up! Just think, the _money _we could make selling these after your demise! And even if by chance, you happen to get away, we'd _still _distribute these tapes throughout the country and before long, Akatsuki will be the laughingstocks of the ninja world! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"

Kabuto threw his head back and laughed maniacally.

"Jashin-sama, that's fucking _embarrassing_." Hidan said, looking around at the other speechless Akatsuki members.

Sasori closed his mouth (he had had it open in shock, along with everyone else) and said,

"Wait a minute. Orochimaru was heading out to meet the _Kyuubi _this morning?"

"That's what I said."

"So the Kyuubi wasn't coming _here_, un?" Deidara asked.

"No! Where do you people get your information from? The Kyuubi and his team were heading off to get Sasuke, but they were going in the completely wrong direction, so Orochimaru decided to be generous and just go out there to them! Sheesh!"

Sasori's eyes narrowed dangerously. "_Zetsu…_" He growled, as the entire situation became clear to him.

"What do you mean, danna?" Deidara asked, confused.

"He means we've just been pwned by Orochimaru." Itachi said, calmly smoothing his dress out.

"Yes, good that you finally understand that. Now, let's end this!" Kabuto got into attacking stance, along with Kimimaro, Tayuya, Jiroubou, Kidoumaru, Sakon, and Ukon (the last four had just joined them).

"Actually, I was thinking more along of the lines of 'Zetsu and Leader-sama just made complete fools out of us on purpose', but close enough, Itachi." Sasori said, as if nothing had happened.

"Um, guys? Shouldn't we try to run for it now?" Tobi whispered from behind them.

"No need, un! I got this covered!" Deidara yelled, pulling a lump of clay out of his pocket ("How does he _fit _anything in there?" Hidan wondered) – his gloves had been lost to the crowd long ago- and starting to mold it.

"Pein-sama's here, guys!" Konan sang out, leaping onto the stage in her Akatsuki uniform.

"Am I late? Did I miss the show?" Pein screeched to a stop behind his partner, looking as if he'd just run the entire way from the lair.

Deidara and the others glared at him.

"I mean… I'm here to save you guys! Yeah!" Pein quickly corrected himself, grinning sheepishly.

"Yes. Orochimaru may have gotten away, along with the Kyuubi, but _**good work, ladies.**_" Zetsu spoke up from behind the leader, snickering.

"Oh, shut up! You knew as soon as we got here that Orochimaru was gone and the Kyuubi wasn't going to come, didn't you?" Sasori snapped, pissed that he'd had to perform for nothing.

"He knew _before _we even got here." Kakuzu and Kisame had suddenly appeared, the latter with his Samehada over his shoulder.

"Wow, took you guys long enough." Konan scolded.

"Hey, _you _try smashing open a brand-new, state-of-the-art lighting system and then having to find your way through the backstage area in the dark!" Kisame retorted.

"So it was _you _that destroyed it! Oh my god, do you know how much that will _cost _to repair?" Kabuto said angrily.

"Whatever. You won't need to repair it once we're through with this place." Kisame said.

"What do you mean?" Kabuto's eyes widened in fear.

"Eh, we've had our fun. Now we'll finish some of what we originally came here to do." Pein said, turning with a swoosh of his cloak and heading out the door with Konan. "They're all yours, boys."

"What?! You aren't going anywhere! We're not going to let you!" Kabuto said indignantly, his fists raised in front of him, but he sounded less sure of himself as he noticed that he, Tayuya, and the rest of the Orochimaru group had been pretty much surrounded by the Akatsuki.

"If you haven't noticed, we currently outnumber you." Sasori said, as they closed in.

"Wait, no! You can't!"

"_**Food…**_" Zetsu slurped loudly.

"No! No! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

_ONE MONTH LATER………_

Naruto closed the fridge, sipping happily on his drink. He and the other Konoha nin were gathered at Tsunade's house to await some "very important information", as Kakashi had stated mysteriously.

"Wow, I wonder what was so important that we actually get to go to Tsunade's house to hear it?" Sakura asked.

"Maybe they finally agreed to have Rejoice In Our Youth Day like Gai-sensei requested!" Lee exclaimed happily.

"Idiot! Why would they call us here for that?" Neji snapped.

"Maybe she's inviting us to stay for lunch!" Chouji suggested.

"That's not _"very important information"_!" Ino said.

"Maybe they found out some more information about Akatsuki?" Hinata said timidly.

"Quite correct, Hinata." Tsunade walked into the living room, holding a DVD in one hand and a bottle of sake in the other. Shizune was following her, eyeing the DVD with distaste. The other senseis and jounin/chuunin were behind them.

"Good job, Hinata!" Naruto beamed. Hinata blushed slightly.

The hokage walked up to the big-screen TV and popped the disk into the DVD-player. As it was loading, she said to the ninja gathered there,

"A few days ago, we received this DVD in the mail. Apparently, it was put together by Orochimaru's henchmen."

"I thought Kabuto and the others perished when their strip-club was bombed last month." Kakashi said.

"Nope. They got away, but they were pissed off about it, as Kabuto has stated in very colorful language in his letter. I've reviewed the contents, and while they're a bit… strange, it seems to give us a pretty accurate idea of who the Akatsuki are. Oh, look, it finished loading."

Tsunade took a seat as the Cowboy Bebop theme song blared from the surround-sound speakers, and the title "Akatsuki" flashed across the screen, along with the word "Starring…"

_Brown flash. "Tobi" _A girl with short black hair, an odd swirly-faced mask, and a super-short school uniform appeared on screen.

_Silver flash. "Hidan" _A very fit girl wearing a dress that looked like it had been cut from a nun's outfit appeared.

_Red flash. "Itachi" _Sakura and Naruto gasped along with some of the others as Itachi appeared on the screen, clad all in sparkly red, and looking very much like a sexy woman.

_Orange flash. "Sasori" _A cute girl that resembled Courtney the doll appeared on screen, wearing what looked like very skimpy doll clothes. Naruto turned to Sakura.

"Is that the guy you fought a while back?" He asked. Sakura nodded dumbly.

_Yellow flash. "And Deidara" _A slutty-looking cop with blond hair appeared, winking at them, and Naruto screamed while Kakashi tried to suppress his nosebleed.

"HIM!" They both shouted, pointing at the screen.

The screen continued to flash a rainbow of colors.

_With… __Konan, __Kisame, __Zetsu, __Kakuzu, aaaa__nd Pein! _Even in the disk, Pein appeared as a fuzzy black shadow, because Kisame had cut the power before the cameras could catch him coming in.

The rest of the DVD was the show, which succeeded in causing hysteric fits of laughter, along with several massive nosebleeds. When the disk ended with the credits (_"Made by Kabuto"_), Tsunade clicked off the TV and asked,

"Well? What do you think?"

"I didn't know Kabuto was that good at movie-making." Shizune said. "He never struck me as very tech-savvy."

"I meant about the Akatsuki." Tsunade sweatdropped.

"Oh." Silence. Then everyone simultaneously burst out laughing again.

"You know, if that's what they're like, I'm sure they'll be wiped out in no time." Shikamaru said, gasping for breath. Everyone else just kept laughing…

_BACK AT THE AKATSUKI LAIR………_

"DIE, DAMN BASTARD, UN!" Deidara hurled one of his clay creations at the screen, making it explode into a million little pieces as the rest of the Akatsuki shrieked and ran for cover.

"Damn it, Deidara! That was bought with the last of our savings money! No one's hired us since that DVD surfaced!" Kakuzu screamed from the kitchen.

"It's all your fucking fault!" Hidan bellowed, pointing an accusing finger at Pein, who was happily sipping his morning coffee.

"Meh. It was fun while it lasted." The leader said, grinning. The next second, he had to duck to avoid another bomb, a scythe, two kunais, and a rush of poisoned needles that hit the wall behind where his head had been just a second before. "Better aim next time, guys!" He said from underneath the table.

"Let's get him!" Hidan and Sasori said in unison.

The next second, a piercing scream echoed throughout the Fire Country as the Akatsuki lair exploded…


End file.
